We need our friends more than ever right now.
I have spent the past 100 days of lockdown in the sleepy Warwickshire village where I grew up. Coming back to the place I once called home, I've become aware that a friendship of mine that once burned bright is now slowly extinguishing itself. Like striking a match on a windy day, all attempts to rekindle it have been snuffed out. That realisation didn't happen upon me overnight but was rather a slow dawning that came after a constellation of silences and scores of unreplied messages. "Don't take it personally," some friends have charitably said to me over voice notes sent from afar. "I'm sure it's not the end," others have said.
During this time, I've felt as if I'm hovering in the threshold of a door I had once shut firmly behind me. I lived here during my twenties until I moved to London for work and formed some really important friendships during that period.
Lockdown, for me, has been replete with lessons about my interpersonal relationships. Having the time to sit back and reflect on the friends who are present and engaged in my daily life has been life-affirming. In the dark times of the pandemic, seeking out those who are willing to lend an ear, or who bring levity to difficult moments has made me realise which friends spark joy. Then, of course, there have been sad, difficult realisations about friendships that are no longer what they once were.
Not all friendships end with a bang. Not all friendships end with a door being slammed in your face. Sometimes that door just imperceptibly swings shut, without so much as a squeak or creak. I've been afraid to even write down these thoughts lest they bring mortal form to the sense of loss I've been feeling. It's not easy to cope when a friendship ends.
Although we're scarcely past the halfway point of 2020, the teachable moments about our relationships have been plentiful — from learning which of our friends are committed to Black Lives Matter and the anti-racism movement to realising which friends are truly there for you when you need them. I spoke to other people about the lessons they've learned about their friendships during the pandemic.
"I asked where my friend was and that was when I was informed about his passing."
Katherine, who prefers to use her first name only, found out an old friend from her hometown had died in April during the lockdown. "He was battling cancer and it had worsened over the last 18 months," she told me. During those 18 months, Katherine was away from home, completing a Masters degree, and working in a new job. "I hadn’t actually been in contact with a lot of my friends from my hometown due to my life moving forward, but they always said to write when I was back," she said.
"Last weekend, I reached out to a friend whose birthday it was. We had a digital 'party' catch-up with other friends and I was asking around how everyone was, thinking I had forgotten someone," Katherine said. "In the end I asked where my friend was and that was when I was informed about his passing." A friend rang her straight away to let her know what had happened, how the funeral had been during the pandemic restrictions, and the music they played on the day. "We cried, we told each other our favourite stories of our friend, and we had a long chat," she said.
"I was sad and slightly mad they didn’t tell me at the time, but I can understand I wasn’t their first thought especially after being away for so long," she added. Reflecting on what's happened, Katherine says she plans to be in touch with her friends more frequently now. But she also learned something from the way the news of her friend's passing was broken to her.
"The girl that broke the news said, 'Well, no one really speaks about what happened,' and the guy who rang me to explain everything said, 'We have to keep talking and remember to keep his memory alive,'" she said. "I’m sticking closer to the people who will talk rather than those who don’t. I wouldn’t want to be not talked about — but rather remembered."
In times of trouble, having friends who will talk feels more needed than ever before. For Stevie Thomas, lockdown has afforded the chance to figure out which of his friends energise him. He's used the time to do a bit of spring cleaning with his friendships, as he put it, "Only talking to real, true friends that energise me, rather than drain me."
Thomas has also connected with old forgotten friends, old school friends, and even ex-girlfriends (he's not alone there). It's happened through DMs or even just the act of sharing a meme on WhatsApp. "Simply, I feel myself again," he told me. "I feel free! Without being too dramatic about it, I was far too connected to anyone and everyone digitally, and dragged myself down thinking I needed to accept every invitation that came my way."
That Wordsworthian feeling of the world being "too much with us" has been felt by others during this time. Michelle Chiera told me she's learned a lot about her friendships during the pandemic. "I think during lockdown I saw myself and my friends go through a sort of panic and really exposed heightened insecurities," she said. "As an introvert, a lot of my extrovert friends do not know how to cope and tend to overwhelm their more introverted friends."
"COVID-19 with BLM has been extremely stressful," Chiera added. "And for my friends who aren’t Black, they don’t know how to navigate or understand the mental duress that it all causes. We’ve all become very narcissistic and judgmental with our friends during this time and there’s a lack of grace and understanding." In the aftermath of George Floyd's death, who died after three police officers pinned him down, one kneeling on his neck, Chiera found that a lot of her white friends began contacting her for advice and resources on anti-racism. The requests being made of her were not small, either. "They asked for large breakdowns of highly complicated issues," Chiera said. "There’s also a lot of friends who write 'I can’t believe what’s happening right now' which is infinitely more frustrating."
These interactions have made her question those friendships. "I have a lot of empathy and as a trans-racial adoptee — Black in a white family — I’m used to it," she said. "But it is insulting, since I’ve been shouting about these issues my entire adult life and it seems like it’s all fallen on deaf ears. Or that I’ve been invisible." Chiera says she's trying to remain patient and understanding, but this period of time has shown who her true friends are. "It for sure has shown me what other people in my life are willing to accept as blind spots. Which for me are non-negotiables, and in turn on place them in a different category," she said. She doesn't plan to cut anyone out, but she's adjusting her expectations. "In respect to COVID-19 and BLM, this time period has really driven home the importance of boundaries within friendships, and also non-aggressive honesty," she added.
Discovering which friends have blindspots is an experience shared by Kimberley, who prefers to use her first name only, who moved to Manchester, UK, from her hometown over a decade ago. For her, lockdown has underscored the difference between her school pals and her friends in Manchester. "This has always been an obvious difference but it's never annoyed me as much as this past few months," she told me. "It has really brought into focus the massive gap in interests and lifestyles."
"Most of my home friends have never shown much interest in politics, or current issues. I think our WhatsApp group is the only place in the UK which hasn't seen any mention of Black Lives Matter," she said. Kimberley said she made peace a long time ago with the fact her friends from home aren't going to be up for deep, important conversations. "But it's getting harder and harder to ignore their ignorance. There is so much going on in the world," she said.
"How can you be living through this year and have nothing to say?"
Kimberley has found herself despairing at the absence of any mention of the real-world issues that are affecting people's lives in 2020. Her daily thoughts are taken up with coronavirus, NHS funding, Black Lives Matter, Donald Trump, and the issue of the body positivity movement centering slim white women. But, in her group chat with her home friends, there's not a single mention of any of the aforementioned movements and issues. "My home WhatsApp group makes me actually angry," she said. "It brings up hard questions — do I really want to still hang out with people who have such little interest in wider global issues?" she said. "How can you be living through this year and have nothing to say?"
We're only halfway through 2020 and it's already proving to be an extremely challenging year for many of us. If we take anything away from this time, it's that we need people around us who love us, support us, and share our values.
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Topics COVID-19
