1.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair
2.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
3.
Jesus out here looking like a SNACK
4.
coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli
5.
this dog looks exactly how renaissance painters thought dogs looked like and im in love
6.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes ME: Put Ratatouille on
7.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted "yes girl remix!!"
8.
DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT
9.
Congratulations to the happy couple!
10.
Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room
11.
High school teachers: I'm MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY College profs: what up I'm Josh and class is cancelled cuz I'm tired
12.
Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning
13.
I wonder what it's like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father
14.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
15.
me overthinking how I said "here" during attendance
16.
Pleasure to meet you. The name's...
17.
STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING
18.
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
19.
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
20.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
21.
Nailed it.
22.
Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV
23.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
24.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
25.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
26.
me: skincare! my other organs: please help us .
27.
sorry if i've ever said that I wanted to hang w you but never did!! I'm so bad at doing things!!! and being a person!!!! luv u tho!!!!!
28.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
29.
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic
30.
me: white woman’s kitchen: H E L 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 L && O 𝒻𝒶𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓎 yum coffee john 3:16
31.
I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
32.
socrates: to do is to be plato: to be is to do scooby: do be do
33.
no one: not a soul: literally NOBODY: me:
34.
Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second
35.
how'd he have time to write all those plays then
36.
our cats had a fight and my parents are trying to make them resolve it lol
37.
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
38.
i pulled out my insulin pump in class and sarah leans over and goes “is that the new iphone 10!?”. fuck u sarah it’s diabetes
39.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
40.
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
41.
I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend "are you ready to fucking rage" as they walked into target together and that's what I want
42.
Why did my momma make me think it was illegal to turn a light on in a car while you were driving throughout my whole childhood
43.
When you're struggling to reach the word count whilst writing an essay
44.
Riley, you're a genius.
45.
SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don't think I can ever recover from this
46.
someone: you don’t have to apologize for everything, you’re good me: oh ok......ˢᵒʳʳʸ
47.
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with.
48.
People who put plates with bones & cups with teabags in the sink... What exactly is your problem?
49.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today? boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri
50.
[son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's that Son: it's our house Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?
51.
really just spent two minutes like "why would you shame someone with tuna?"