DAD: Frequently Asked Questions

A man sits using a tablet on the couch.
Photograph from Getty

Welcome to DAD. Want to get in touch? We’d love to hear from you. Contact us by unread text; cryptic one-line e-mail; or frantic phone call. Or feel free to peruse our frequently asked questions.

How are you doing?

Fine.

Where’s MOM?

Either right here, in the other room, or who knows. Here, talk to MOM.

How was work?

Same crap, different day.

Can I borrow some money/the car/anything of value?

For what?

MOM said it was O.K.

That’s nice. Then talk to MOM about it.

Did you read that thing I sent you?

DAD hasn’t had time.

What about right now?

DAD doesn’t feel like it. DAD doesn’t tell you how to spend your time.

Why are you yelling?

DAD is not yelling.

Do you have to wear your shorts/pants/socks/shoes/shirt like that?

What do you care? DAD likes it.

What are you eating?

Something MOM made or bought. It’s fine.

What do you want for Father’s Day/your birthday/any major holiday?

DAD doesn’t need anything. Save your money. Do you need money?

Can you help me with my taxes/lease/employment paperwork/other important contract?

Send it to DAD. I’ll send it to MY GUY.

How are you feeling?

Fine.

But what did THE DOCTOR say?

Nothing. What does THE DOCTOR know? DAD may have to schedule a procedure.

Are you going to do that?

DAD will think about it. DAD doesn’t want to talk about this anymore.

Do you want to explain how bridges work again?

Actually, it’s all about gravity. You balance two types of forces—one is compression, which is a kind of squeezing force, moving inward, and the other is tension, which is a kind of stretching force, moving outward. You have to make sure that the total weight of the bridge and what it carries is supported at either end and in the middle. It’s really very simple.

What are you watching?

DAD doesn’t know—something MOM put on. DAD can’t hear a damn thing anyone is saying.

So why don’t you watch with subtitles?

If I wanted to read, I’d open a book.

Are you asleep?

No, DAD is just resting his eyes.


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