person hiding under an umbrella from friend's angry rain cloud
Illustration by Alina Bohoru
Health

What to Do When a Friend's Insecurity Is Ruining Your Vibe

Whether they’re actively bullying you or complimenting you as a way of putting themself down, you don’t have to sit there silently.
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Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.

Everyone has moments of self-doubt and insecurity, when we need to be reminded that we are hot and smart and have a big thick juicy ass and everyone wants to be our friend. There’s nothing wrong with wanting reassurance! But occasionally, you’ll find yourself dealing with someone whose insecurity starts to take on a bigger presence, affecting how they treat you (and others) and making it difficult to interact with them. Maybe they’re being kind of an asshole about your latest win at work, or guilt-tripping you for not hanging out with them more even though you just saw them two days ago, or maybe both. It’s tough to be around and even more difficult to respond to, because it feels like there’s nothing you can say that won’t upset them. 

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And there might not be! But that doesn’t mean there are no healthy or productive ways to deal with the insecure person in your life. I spoke to therapist Sarah Paul and to Andrea Bonior, the author of Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk for Good and Discover the Life You've Always Wanted about dealing with insecure people. 

What are some signs you’re dealing with an insecure person? 

Sometimes it’s clear when someone is feeling insecure; they’ll openly talk badly about themselves, express near-constant self-doubt, or even straight up say, “I’m feeling really insecure and needy.” And most of us know that when someone is a mean, aggressive, bullying type, it’s probably because they don’t feel great about themselves. But Bonior said there are some other ways insecurity can manifest that might not be as obvious: 

Avoidance: Bonior said if someone often flakes at the last minute, doesn’t show up for things, or says they are going to do something but doesn’t, it could be because they are insecure—maybe they’re worried about how they’ll “perform” or be perceived. 

Frequent interrupting: “Most people said of social anxiety as being quiet,” Bonior said, “but sometimes, it's actually people interrupting a lot, because they're so worried about how they're coming across and what they're going to say, they start cutting people off. They can't relax to take in what other people are saying, because they're already jumping to, Well, what about me? And, Oh, what if I say this? And how am I gonna answer the next question? and that kind of thing.” 

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Competitiveness: This might be an insecure person’s attempt to get external “proof” of their worth. Bonior said it might also manifest as nosiness—e.g., they ask you prying questions about your salary, your grades, how much you pay in rent, or personal things about your relationship. It could also look like gossip. “They're trying to get all these details in part so they can compare themselves and see how they stack up,” she said. 

What should I say to an insecure bully who is always putting me down? 

“The first thing is to remember that it's not about you,” Paul said. “We have to slow down enough to take our emotions out of it. Because when someone is aggressive towards us, we tend to get defensive, we tend to also look inward… What did I do? Is this my fault? But when someone is projecting their insecurities onto you, it's about them.”

Bonior said you should have a conversation with this person about their behavior, but to be thoughtful about when you bring it up. “A lot of times if the person is lashing out, if you try to call them out on it in the moment, it's going to go nowhere, because they're going to be so defensive, or even aggressive, that it's just going to escalate,” she said. “I would choose a relaxed time, certainly a time when you have privacy, and have some space and time to talk.” Bonior also said to go into the conversation with a few recent examples, but avoid bringing a long list of grievances that makes it seem like you’ve been keeping a secret file on them for months.  

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“I would just say, ‘Hey, do you mind if we talked about something for a few minutes?’” Bonior said. She emphasized the importance of making “I” statements (“I feel hurt”) versus hurling accusations (“you’re clearly jealous of me”). So you might say something like…

  • “I noticed that you often ask me a lot of questions that feel kind of judgmental and I feel like you don’t respect me.”
  • “I’ve noticed that you can be critical about my work, and I don’t feel supported by it, I feel kind of judged.”
  • “I’ve noticed that some of the questions you ask me about my life feel really competitive, and it puts me on edge.” 

From there, Paul said you might also want to ask what’s going on with them, e.g., “Is there something going on with you that I’m not aware of?” or “Is there something I could be doing to better support you?” 

How should I respond to a mean friend who constantly wants to talk shit about other people? 

Even if the person isn’t being nasty to you directly, it can still be difficult to be the audience for a stream of harsh and judgmental comments about others. In this case, Bonior said, you should absolutely tell them to cut it out. “When somebody is really being cruel to somebody else—even if that person isn’t there—we do have a responsibility,” she said. She suggested saying something in the moment like...

  • “Hey, that's a little much.”
  • “Hey, I'm not comfortable with that—that’s unkind.”
  • “I think we're going a little too far here. She's a good person, and we all have our flaws.” 

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And then, Bonior said, you can follow up with a conversation later, in private, or when things feel calmer. She suggested saying something like this: 

  • “I feel like a lot of times our conversations turn into ragging on people, and that doesn't feel right to me. I don't really know where it's coming from for you, but sometimes I don't feel like you seem that happy.”

“That's when you can get a little bit deeper,” Bonior said. “The first stage is sort of shutting it down in the moment, and then the second stage is really trying to have a conversation with them about whether or not that's something that you see as being connected to something going on with them.” 

What should I say to someone who is constantly putting themself down in front of me?

This can be so uncomfortable to witness, and puts you in a tough spot. Do you protest what they are saying and try to convince them that they are perfect? Attempt to commiserate and offer up all of the ways you feel bad about yourself? Just say nothing, possibly making them believe you agree that they really do suck? 

For starters, Paul said that you shouldn’t try to talk them out of their feelings. “I think that’s one of the things in the insecurity conversation we miss,” she said. We are often quick to jump to, “But you don’t need to feel this way,” or “But that’s not true” and doing so can come across as dismissive and make them think, Wow, you didn’t hear a word I just said. Still, you don’t have to engage with them as they dunk on themselves. Instead, Paul said you could say something like...

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  • “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Even though I don’t agree with what you’re saying—I think you’re great—I’ve felt XYZ way before, and I know how tough it is to feel that way.” 

And if you’ve fallen into the habit of commiserating with them and bashing yourself, Bonior suggested saying something like this: 

  • “I’ve noticed we’ve fallen into a dynamic where we often talk about [all the ways we suck/everything wrong with our appearances/how everyone else has it so much better] and I’d like to try to break the habit. I’m not saying we can never share a negative thought, but I am trying to be a little nicer to myself.” 

And if it’s been going on for a while and you’ve already tried some of these other options, you might try something like, “I’m not sure what you want me to say when you talk this way about yourself, and I’m feeling a little helpless as your friend.” 

I have a friend who is always complimenting me as a way of putting themself down—what should I do?  

This is an even more awkward variation of that last scenario. In these cases, Bonior said you could say something like...

  • “I appreciate that, but it makes me uncomfortable to hear you putting yourself down.” 
  • “I appreciate the kind thought, but it doesn’t need to come at your expense.” 

Another version of this is when someone who’s feeling insecure implies that your life is perfect and you never experience any problems. That can be tough to respond to, both because it’s simply untrue—literally no one’s life is perfect and to imply that yours is takes away from your own humanity and lived experiences—and because it can make you feel defensive, like you have to either apologize for the good things you have going on in the moment, or volunteer your own insecurities to prove their assessment wrong. In those instances, Paul suggested saying something like:

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  • “I understand why you might think that way. And even though I don’t agree, I empathize with you, and I’m here for you.” 
  • “Although our current situations are completely different, I relate to what you’re saying about XYZ. I’ve definitely felt that way in my life, and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way now. I’m here for you though.” 

The point here isn’t to say your life sucks or even that you know exactly how you’re feeling—which takes the focus off of them and can come across defensive and/or dismissive. It’s to communicate, I hear you

My friend is constantly asking for validation and wants more attention than I can give them… I feel bad about not being more supportive, but it’s really draining.

It’s hard not to feel guilty for needing a little space from a good friend who is constantly looking to you to affirm them… and, of course, pulling back can often feed their insecurity, which you probably don’t want to do. So instead of ghosting them, try to address what’s going on more directly by, again, reflecting what you’re seeing back to them. Bonior suggested saying something like this:

  • “Hey, I’ve noticed that you often ask me if I think [you look OK/your partner really does like you/you’re doing fine at your job] and I feel like my answers don’t seem to help, because I’ll often reassure you, but it keeps happening. I want to support you but I feel like maybe there’s something you’re looking for that I can’t give you or there’s something more you need from me.” 

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You can also set boundaries by communicating what you can give, Paul said—basically, “I think you would like X from me, but what I can give you right now is Y.” So that might sound something like this: 

  • “I’m getting the feeling you want me to always be available to talk things through with you via text, but I’m just not really able to do that when I’m [at work/spending time with my kids in the evenings/trying to balance school and family stuff]. But I’d love to [catch up with you weekly via a phone call/check in a few times a week over text]. Is that helpful to you at all?” 

If you don’t want to offer much at all, or you’ve had that conversation and they still aren’t respecting your boundaries, it could point to a larger misalignment between the two of you, and mean that maybe this friendship has run its course. But if it feels new/temporary and you think a reset would help, it’s worth addressing directly. 

What should I do if my friend’s insecurities are affecting how they act in public? 

When a friend is suddenly acting totally different online, making nasty "jokes" about their partner, or getting completely shitfaced whenever you go out together, insecurity could be to blame. Both experts said that addressing this behavior is especially tricky.

“The key here is to recognize that it's very easy to come across as judgmental, or jealous even,” Bonior said. “You have to find a way to talk about it that is going to minimize that defensive response.” She suggested focusing on their behavior and avoiding labeling them in some way. And be specific. So in the case of heavy drinking, she said you might say something like…

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  • “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about last night. I feel like you’ve been drunk a lot lately, and it’s made me uncomfortable because [I worry about your safety/that’s really not like you/I’m worried you’re not treating yourself well]. Is everything OK? I could be wrong, but I care about you and want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

“I would say that if this is someone that you really care about, and you feel like what they're doing is maybe not in their best interest, it would be worth it to have a conversation,” Paul said. “But it's difficult because they also have to come to terms with that on their own.” 

Is it OK to end a friendship over insecurity if it’s feeling really toxic? 

“I really want to encourage people to separate themselves from people that don't make them feel good,” Paul said. “You're not obligated to stick by someone that's constantly insecure.” If, for whatever reason, you reach that point, Bonior said the right thing to do is to tell them that, as gently as possible, instead of ghosting them. (Note: This is assuming you’re dealing with a friend who you genuinely care about, not someone you barely know, or someone who is really abusive.) Bonior suggested language like this:

  • “Hey, I know you've probably noticed that I've been really busy lately. The truth is, my life's moving in a different direction and I just don't see myself being able to hang out the way that I used to.”

“I mean, that's still pretty vague,” Bonior said, “but at least it tells them that they shouldn't keep asking you to hang out.”

Here’s what a more direct version might sound like:

  • “I know you were hoping to get a hangout on the calendar soon, and I want to be honest about what’s going on with me. The truth is, I don’t really feel good about our friendship anymore; in the past few months, it’s felt [really negative/weirdly competitive/like we have very different needs] and I think you’ve noticed it too. I’m feeling really on edge and exhausted by our dynamic, and I think I need [to take a step back/some space/to break up with this friendship].”

Ultimately being honest with your friend like this is a way to build your own self-esteem. “It's very difficult to work on your confidence when your insecure friends continue to rope you into their insecurity,” Paul said. “Working on your confidence is a process, it takes time. But that's why it's important that in those uncomfortable moments, you do set a boundary—because that's part of your own work in establishing your confidence in yourself.”