WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what he described as a “potentially major breakthrough,” Dr. Anthony Fauci has convinced Donald Trump to attack COVID-19 as if it were an inspector general.
Fauci, who has been frustrated in his efforts to get through to Trump, compared the global pandemic to an inspector general while in a closed-door meeting with the President on Wednesday.
“What do you hate more than anything, Mr. President?” Fauci asked.
“Jim Acosta,” Trump immediately replied.
“O.K., fine. But, besides Jim Acosta,” Fauci said, “it would be an inspector general, right?”
“You’re right, Tony,” Trump agreed. “I hate those losers.”
“Well, think of COVID-19 as the worst inspector general in the world,” Fauci continued. “It’s overseeing everything you do and making you follow the law. It’s keeping you from spending taxpayer money on anything you want. You wouldn’t stand for that, would you?”
Reportedly, Trump appeared shaken by Fauci’s analogy. “Damn it, Tony, when you put it that way, we’ve got to do something about COVID-19,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that he was “cautiously optimistic” that his inspector-general analogy would finally spur Trump to action, but added, “Jared could still screw this up.”
