To My Embalmers

Death mask in the sarcophagus in Tutankhamun's Tomb Valley of the King Luxor Egypt.
Photograph by Steve Davey / Alamy

First of all, humongous thanks for doing this. Since I’ve been told I’m somewhat of a “cool pharaoh” by a lot of my servants (who are basically my friends), I thought I’d leave a few tips and thoughts on my mummification. And maybe some fun hieroglyphs, too. :-P

Obviously, you will be removing my rapidly decaying organs and preserving them in jars. Would love for you to organize them alphabetically, rather than by color. Even if the fad, when I die, is to organize organs by color, because it looks cooler to visitors—I don’t know, I feel like I’m the kind of pharaoh who sets his own trends. Plus, I’d prefer that my larynx and bladder be a few jars away from each other.

As far as removing my brain via my nose—LOL, hope that isn’t too weird for you! I have a deviated septum (seriously, a real one), so the right nostril is probably the best bet.

I. Love. Amulets. The more, the better. Lay ’em on!

When you cover my hallowed body in salt, to remove all its moisture, PLEASE use sea salt. I read somewhere that table salt has a lot of sodium (can’t remember where).

I left a similar note for my tomb guys, but I really want to make sure that my casement is facing toward the door. It always bugs me if I’m facing away from a door—I dunno, it’s an anxiety thing. Shrug hieroglyph.

My nephew Seth has always wanted to be a burial priest, but has been struggling to find a way into the biz—can you please include him in the rites prep?

BTW, Seth lives in Amenhotep Palace III and actually has some prayer experience.

I might be venting some anxiety here, but PUH-LEEZE remember to perform the rites required for me to speak and eat in the afterlife. Definitely want to do both of those things. :D

I set aside the good linens for you to wrap me in. They’re in the northwest pyramid, behind the jackal-god statues, I think.

As you know, I’m a big Osiris fan. Would love some Osiris paintings on the sarcophagus—something minimal and classy.

Finally, please make sure to mummify my cat! I couldn’t imagine making my way through the Underworld to the Field of Reeds without her. I’m such a cat person. :-)