13.2 billion B.C.
The Big Bang blasts the entire known universe out from a single point, creating star systems and planets and releasing an amount of energy greater than trillions of atomic bombs. This will have a major effect on the world of fashion.
13.19 million B.C. to 120 million B.C.
Nothing relevant to fashion occurs here.
120 million B.C.
A palm frond drops onto the head of a Tyrannosaurus rex. The dinosaur is not smart enough to realize what’s happening, but it looks amazing.
73 million B.C.
A meteor wipes out ninety per cent of life on earth and drives dinosaurs to extinction just as they were on the cusp of discovering lingerie.
80,000 B.C.
A cavewoman stitches together an incredibly tasteful silk oxblood bow tie with offset herringbone accents and has absolutely no idea what to do with it.
5,000 B.C.
Mesopotamians invent the calendar so that they can print custom T-shirts that say things like, “Never underestimate a PRIESTESS named NISHABA born in the month of TAMUZU.”
800 B.C. to 400 A.D.
Ancient Romans waste too much time inventing functional aqueducts, geometry, and cement to come up with anything better than the toga. This sets the creation of shoulder pads back centuries.
1100 A.D.
The kings of France and England meet to discuss the terms of an armistice and are utterly embarrassed to discover that they both decided to wear crowns.
1320 A.D.
Pirates accidentally invent the runway when they force a chic mutineer to walk the plank in a dazzling lavender number and he absolutely struts his stuff straight into the mouths of hungry sharks.
1813 A.D.
H.M.S. Terror and H.M.S. Erebus become stuck in ice trying to force the Northwest Passage. The voyage’s entire crew freezes to death after deciding to wear fall jackets that look really good instead of practical winter coats.
1820 A.D.
The hat is invented. You probably would’ve guessed that this happened sooner, but nope. First hat, 1820.
1865 A.D.
President Abraham Lincoln accidentally popularizes the hat while trying to cover up a really embarrassing haircut.
1911 A.D.
The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire leads to an upheaval of national labor laws and fire codes but utterly fails to dim the shining star that is the shirtwaist. Shirtwaist sales skyrocket, and the shirtwaist remains the single most popular garment in America to this day.
1962 A.D.
As a result of the women’s-liberation movement, women increasingly begin to wear pants. Men, however, embittered by gender equality, manage to keep pockets a secret from women until the year 2018.
1980 A.D.
Fashion reaches a new pinnacle with the parachute pant, the largest pant yet created. However, the world of fashion forsakes progress and decides to make smaller pants instead of seeing how massive they could really make those things.
2012 A.D.
President Barack Obama commits his famous tan-suit gaffe and is harshly judged. He overcompensates by wearing a tuxedo, ten-gallon hat, and monocle for the rest of his Presidency.
2018 A.D.
Melania Trump takes heat for wearing a jacket that reads, “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” to visit migrant children in the year nineteen fifty-tw—oh, my God, this happened last year.
