Going into 2022, things felt rather—dare I say it?—cheery. Could it be that COVID-19 and Donald Trump were both receding from our lives? Well, it turns out, no, not really. But at least we all finally found some other things to talk (and joke) about. Though global-pandemic humor (what could be funnier?) does top this list of the most-read Shouts from the past twelve months, other comedic preoccupations abound. Alpacas! Elton John! The Queen (please forgive us)! Brunch! So, read on and laugh your way through the holidays. Because, at this point, who the hell knows what’s around the bend?
Tiredness (due to thinking about COVID-19)
Anxiety (about catching COVID-19)
Exhaustion (from panicking about COVID-19)
Foot asleep
Now, I understand that their gift is their song, but that wasn’t really what I had expected as a housewarming present when I invited Elton John and Bernie Taupin to a party at my new home, especially after I specifically asked them to bring ice.
You’re a visionary who lives by the maxim “There’s got to be a better way.” And that way is yours.
British: Ian’s become known for his ruddy cheeks and big smile, and for always having a carpenter’s pencil tucked jauntily behind one ear.
American: Sarah’s signature look is the thirteen nicotine patches she wears to manage the stress of competition.
Felix had an accident during nap time and doesn’t have a spare pair of pants at school. If Felix’s father is listed as the primary point of contact on all documents, how many times does the school call his mother?
Racism wore one designer exclusively: Erasure. Racism made its arrival in a sleek look by Erasure—a barely-there, minimal and modern ensemble of not allowing Meghan and Harry to join the Royal Family on the balcony, a choice so understated that some might have had trouble recognizing Racism at all.
For years, the neighborhood coffee place has played music by bands like Creedence Clearwater Revival and Bob Seger—old-white-guy stuff that we used to call the classics. The woke baristas still play that music, but you can tell they’re not into it.
Dear Applicant,
We’re thrilled to invite you to a fourth-round interview—an overnight camping trip with our twenty-five-person human-success department.
Quiet, attractive, and ostensibly better for the world, but loathed by other parents for their sanctimonious bullshit.
The ocean: salty and containing microscopic bits of plastic.
Given this week’s news that Carlhobbes has unexpectedly collided with a rogue comet, setting it on an unstoppable trajectory toward Earth, where, in seventy-six hours, it will end all life, I am writing to ask that you please change the name of this asteroid immediately.
Appreciatively,
Professor Carl Hobbes
Alphas are simply not getting hitched. Throughout my thorough investigation, I unearthed only one marriage, which according to my nephew Liam lasted just thirty minutes, taking place during recess and ending by gym.
The one meal I actually know how to make is breakfast. Why did I ever need to wait in line for someone to make it for me? Well, O.K., I guess the answer is that I wanted to look at attractive cool people eating brunch while I ate brunch. But now I feel like I’ve seen all the attractive cool people I need to see for the rest of my life.
West’s abhorrent, anti-Semitic remarks are unacceptable, and starkly go against the values of our global shadow regime.
Were I to return a few months from now and establish myself as an Oregonian, I’d have to find a job and a place to live. I’d obsess about the Cascadia fault, the rupture of which is unlikely on any particular day but inevitable in the long run; the wildfire season; and the Trail Blazers, unable to break through in the playoffs year after year.
So your co-worker was rude to you or someone cut you off in traffic. Big whoop! At least you didn’t trade in your waterfront condo for a dilapidated old farmhouse and enough land for a small herd of South American camelid mammals to roam freely.
Bride or Groom and I didn’t always get along so well. In fact, I can still remember a time back when we were kids, and Bride or Groom did Really Annoying, Potentially Physically Violent Thing That Seems O.K. to Joke About Now but Actually Still Fills Me with Anger and Resentment if I Think About It for Too Long.
