Buzz·Posted on Dec 15, 201819 Tweets From This Week That Are Funny AF"When my gf makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me."by Ryan SchocketBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Amy @asamantha321 if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it 04:03 AM - 31 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. kat hasty @kathasty guys really live in apartments like this and don’t see any issue 12:15 AM - 13 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. reesie @reesxe If I have a medical emergency don’t U DARE call an ambulance y’all better uber my ass to the hospital bc we not about to pay 5,000 for a ride in the wee-yoo wagon 10:03 PM - 10 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Celia Grace Denney @CeliaDenney When I woke up today, I thought I saw a mouse on my floor. (Without my contacts, I have -9 vision, so I can’t see). SO. I trap the mouse with a box. I put my contacts in so I can see, only to find out that I did not trap a mouse. I trapped my hairbrush. Have a great day. 12:11 PM - 12 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Peter @OkigboXL I just realized that in all of the purge movies, nobody ever steals anything valuable. All crime is legal for 24 hours straight and all you people are interested in is killing one another? Bitch the Apple store right across the street. 09:14 PM - 11 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. big uwu energy @robsungirl lush employee pouring actual dirt into my hands: so I noticed u have dry skin and greasy hair and have no friends because you’re ugly and this will help with all that :) and it’s only $87 :) 07:54 PM - 24 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Chase @mrmakethings When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually 05:20 PM - 11 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Frank Lotion @702Austin this is what i mean when i type “hehehe” 10:51 PM - 09 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. miniature turtle dove @lil_tortz OMG I told a woman we didn’t have oat milk n she straight up wrote a PERSONAL ESSAY AB IT IM SCREAMING 07:34 PM - 10 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Bill Dixon @BillDixonish About 5 years ago I worked in a restaurant and Ludacris came in, ordered spring rolls, and sent them back. When I apologized he said “don’t apologize, spring rolls are unpredictable.” I think about this at least once a week. 06:54 PM - 09 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Jen Lewis @thisjenlewis My nephew pulled a bowl of flour off the counter 12:39 AM - 10 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Matt Wille @herbehancock slashed someone’s tires today because he parked like a jackass.. was it justified? I think so. 02:25 AM - 08 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Dick King-Smith HQ @DickKingSmith This just about sums things up, I think you'll find. 07:13 AM - 13 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Jonathan ⚓️ @LowkeyNerdyOG who else lives in a city whose roads have been under construction since 5000 BC https://t.co/wi4RRIrDZh 08:11 PM - 11 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Derrick 🎒 @_ayosworldd Teacher: the average test score was a 45% The class: https://t.co/DZfJfVnq6D 07:42 PM - 10 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Justyce @CarterJustyce My professor after I took that hard ass final: HAPPY HOLIDAYS 😁😁😁 Me: 04:29 AM - 12 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. g0_f1sh @g0_f1sh A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa 09:28 AM - 12 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. mrs potato head @CassandraTrill when your friend says they called the Uber and you have 4 min to get the drunkest you’ve ever been 10:08 PM - 09 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. IN(DIE) @INDIEWASHERE type of job i want: 1) nosejob 2) 01:41 AM - 11 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite