I Wrote Down Everything I Think Is True About "High School Musical," And Then I Watched It For The First Time

If you're incredulous and/or disgusted, you wouldn't be the first.

HALF-CREDIT ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This is something I could look up before starting the movie: While Ashley Tisdale, Lucas Grabeel, and Monique Coleman were all in their 20s during filming, the two leads (Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron) were both teenagers, as was Corbin Bleu. Therefore, I'm awarding myself half-credit.

CORRECT ✅

08:55 — I didn't anticipate her and Zac Efron meeting before her first day, though. Also, apparently their characters are named Gabriella and Troy, which I sort of knew, in the same hazy way that I sort of know who my state representative is.

CORRECT ✅

22:48 — Gabriella's new friend Taylor demonstrates that "speaking cheerleader" means being ditzy and annoying. This is yet another piece of evidence that DCOMs are just an elaborate experiment in anti-cheerleader propaganda.

WRONG ❌

23:22 — Troy's house is basically a McMansion, and it even comes with its own mini basketball court! I can almost smell the beige carpet of its finished basement from here. Also, now that I think of it, both Troy and Gabriella's families could afford a ski vacation, so they're obviously doing fine.

CORRECT ✅

23:58 — No mention of the actual schools, but Troy's dad brings up college scouts coming to the "big game" in a few weeks, and emphasizes the importance of scholarships. Troy's dad is also his basketball coach, because in the Magic Kingdom, there's no such thing as a conflict of interest.

WRONG ❌

34:48 — In a stirring turn of events, Troy volunteers to audition in order to help Gabriella out. This has been my biggest HSM misconception so far: I figured Troy would start out as a bit of a jerk and then blossom into a better human being through the heroic patience of Gabriella (damn you, deeply ingrained rom-com gender roles). But so far, he's a sweet guy!

CORRECT ✅

38:55 — Okay, I nailed this one. Somehow, though, I failed to predict what immediately follows this song: Gabriella accidentally ruining Sharpay's outfit with chili cheese fries. That's an early 2000s teen movie classic!

CORRECT ✅

58:38 — Chad (Corbin Bleu) says during the basketball team's weird anti-musical intervention that Troy was the first sophomore to ever make varsity, which is why this year they voted him team captain. Therefore, Troy and his friends are juniors. It's this sort of attention to meaningless detail that distinguishes the finest DCOM scholars.

CORRECT ✅

1:00:50 — During the aforementioned intervention, Troy's basketball team secretly records him saying that he doesn't care about the musical or Gabriella. Unfortunately, the academic decathlon team is live-streaming Troy's betrayal to Gabriella. In Troy's defense, he said what he did in response to what I can only describe as cult-like intimidation tactics. (They handed him a picture of his dad! Who does that?)

CORRECT ✅

1:11:42 — To apologize, Troy shows up at Gabriella's house and says he has something for her. That something? The beautiful gift of song.

WRONG ❌

1:18:20 — I'd like to personally apologize to Coach Bolton for assuming he'd be a monster. Right before the big game, he tells Troy that all he wants is to see his son have fun. That's an unexpectedly reasonable request from someone who's come across as a bit of a basketball drill sergeant.

CORRECT ✅

1:35:20 — Okay, so they're not really marching so much as bobbing in place, but this is clearly a band designed for movement.

HALF-CREDIT ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(06:37 — The opening scene does in fact contain a very impressive fireworks display. So whatever happens at the end of the movie, let it be known that I'm giving myself partial credit on this one.)

The movie just ended and I'm keeping my partial credit.

CORRECT ✅

In the grand tradition of teen movies, only two adults (at most) are allowed to matter, and Coach Bolton and drama teacher Ms. Darbus are those two.

HALF-CREDIT ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Here's what we know about the musical: It's called Twinkle Towne and it was written by a student. Here's what we don't: Literally everything else. I know this movie has between one and four sequels; is one of them High School Musical: Twinkle Towne, The Musical? If not, that's a free idea, Disney.

WRONG ❌

I'm technically wrong but so is this production for missing a clear opportunity.

WRONG ❌

In a way, "but dude, singing is weird" is the plot of this movie, but there's nothing meta about the musical hate within East High.

WRONG ❌

The jocks are enthusiastic participants in all the group choreography, but this particular moment is nowhere to be found. In its place, please enjoy this photo of Corbin Bleu doing a midair split.

WRONG ❌

Apparently, there doesn't! I didn't account for the compressed time frame of this movie. So many teen movies cover an entire year, or at least a semester, with the spring prom being the emotional high-point. Once again, High School Musical defies expectations by taking place over what seems like two weeks at most. But I will be SHOCKED if this doesn't come up in the sequels.

I ended today's experiment with a worse score than I expected, bringing my straight-up F down to a note on my test asking me to stay after class. But as much fun as it was when I got something right, it was almost better to see my most cynical assumptions proven wrong: Troy's not an awful jock stereotype, Coach Bolton just wants his star athlete son to be happy, and the central couple actually likes each other from the start. I see why people loved this movie, and in a lot of ways, it stands out from its teen movie peers. But Sharpay not owning Pomeranians is ridiculous.