A Letter of Appreciation for All the Men Who Haven’t Sexually Harassed Me

A closeup of the hand of a person writing on a piece of paper.
Photograph by Tom Grill / Getty

We spend so much time talking about the bad guys in our society—the sexual-predator executives, actors, Presidents. I want to take a moment to offer my appreciation for the good guys, the ones who haven’t sexually harassed me. The real heroes! Male allies.

Like John from my first job. All the other male employees said flirty things to me after a few happy-hour beers. But John? He didn’t. He never made me feel uncomfortable. He never made any sexually suggestive comments. In fact, he never said anything at all.

He was quiet when our boss put his arm around me at the company party. He was quiet when I told him about it after. Which is great, because I love a man who doesn’t interrupt or talk over me. We need more guys like John.

Next up, we have my friend from college, Aravind. We often hung out late into the night at the library and went to parties together, and not once did he put a hand on my thigh, lean in for a kiss, or suggest that we hook up.

In fact, I’m honored that he said I wasn’t “one of those girls” he would make a move on, the ones he would sleep with and then ghost. Or the ones he would call “desperate” for wearing short dresses. Or the ones he said were “pathetic” and “low-key ugly” for not being into a nice guy like him. We all deserve to have friends like Aravind, who never cross the line.

Third, we have Travis. Another great guy who didn’t harass me—not even once! Sure, he’s still friends with Marty, who is a total creep. But being friends with a creep doesn’t make you one. That’s what Travis always says.

He also said, “I would never do what Marty did. And, to be fair to Marty, there are so many worse guys out there. Just because Marty fucked up once, all of a sudden he’s Louis C.K.? Which, by the way, sure, that guy is a creep, too, but he’s not as bad as Harvey Weinstein! That guy is a truly terrible person. But that’s also just what men did back in the day, ya know? And now he’s being punished for it. As he should. But at least he owned up to it—gotta give him credit for that—because what about Bill Cosby? Compared to all these people, Marty isn’t even that bad. Also, how come we never talk about the men who get harassed!”

I’m thankful for guys like Travis, who not only have never harassed me personally but also care so deeply about men getting harassed.

Fourth, we have James, one of my best friends. James is the alliest of the allies. A guy I can complain to about a catcaller or men on Hinge who send dick pics. James is always sympathetic and shakes his head in disgust, because he would never do that.

In fact, he’s shocked that there are men out there who would do that, because that’s not how his mom raised him to treat women, and there should be more men like him, who know how to actually respect women. And then he usually pauses for me to agree that, yes, there should be more men like him, who actually respect women.

Last but not least, my boyfriend, Jordan. Jordan is the absolute best, and I am so lucky to be with him. One time, his friend interrupted me while I was speaking, and Jordan told him, “Hey, that’s not cool.” His friend interrupts me a lot less now when Jordan is around.

Jordan also posts a ton on social media about how important it is to listen to women, especially women of color, like me. He’s never shy about saying how he wants his future daughter to be able to walk alone at night without holding her car key like a weapon, which is something I told him about.

Jordan took a stand on Twitter recently by posting that women deserve to get paid the same amount as men. He said there were so many ladies DMing him after that, trying to flirt with him. But he told me that he doesn’t care for those overly made-up bombshells; he prefers the girl-next-door type he can take home to his mom, someone with a brain, like me.

Jordan grew up around a lot of women, including his mom, his maid, and his nanny. That’s why he says he respects strong women, like Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice. He actually thinks women are better than men, ha! Not a lot of guys would admit to that.

He wishes that we could live in a world where women didn’t feel as though they had to post thirst traps or get an OnlyFans or be sex workers in order to live and thrive. In his eyes, every little girl should dream of being a doctor, a police chief, a C.E.O., or even Vice-President.

I’ve invited him to a protest or two, and he said that he’ll definitely go one of these days. I believe him, just like how he believes women.


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