The Totally Legit Complete Guide to Trump's Inauguration

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This afternoon, Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as the 45th and final President of the United States. In addition to all of the usual pomp and circumstance—OK, well, maybe not the usual pomp and circumstance, because we understand he had some trouble lining up performers—there will be a full slate of fine entertainment. (The fullest slate! The finest slate!) But what if the Donald had been able to get anyone his little heart and tinier hands desired? Then today might've looked something like this:

8:00 am — Reading of Maya Angelou's "On the Pulse of Morning"
Feat. Victoria Jackson and the San Diego Chicken

8:40 am — A gold couch
A gold couch.

9:45 am — The Cuckteau Twins

10:00 am — Ted Nugent, Dressed Up as Gargamel, Runs Around with a Flag and Yells for a Bit

10:15 amBald Eagle Sack Race

10:30 am — Scott Baio and the Baio Pigs Invasion: Live!
Some wheezing and/or light groping expected.

11:00 am — Ceremonial Hunting and Capturing of Governor Chris Christie, So That He May Be Skinned Alive and Turned Into an Eddie Bauer Vest to Be Worn by Steve Bannon

11:20 am — The Sbarro Dancers

11:30 am — Something Something Tila Tequila, Don't Worry, It's Gonna Be Spectacular

11:40 am — Peter Thiel Reads a Bunch of Ozymandias Quotes from Watchmen
Note: Could start 35 minutes early.

Noon — Donald J. Trump Inaugural Speech

12:15 pm — Unleashing of the Sleestaks
Some wheezing and/or light groping expected.