ENFP: You had two choices and you went with choice A, but if you had gone with choice B, it might have opened C, D and E doors, which would have brought you to F. And F would have been a more authentic fit for you than A. Oh, now you’re overwhelmed by how badly you want F. You absolutely HAVE to get up and write a poem about the life you’re currently living in the parallel universe of F. In fact, this could be the beginning of an entire multi-verse-themed poetry collection! You’ll just get up to jot down a few ideas, super quickly…
INFP: You have an overwhelming feeling of not being on the right path in life, but you don’t know how to realign yourself. Have you lost touch with the person you used to be? The one who knew, unequivocally, what their purpose in life was? You must have. You just don’t feel like yourself these days. But where along the way did you go wrong? How do you reawaken the fire you used to have in you? How will you use it to keep others warm? Maybe it all started three years ago, when you graduated university and took that job that you knew wasn’t right for you…
ENFJ: You can tell that something has been off lately with your partner/colleague/guy who usually sits two seats over from you on the subway, but you just cannot figure out what’s wrong. Should you address it to them directly? Would that be too confrontational? Or should you plan a fun day of adventures with them and get them to spill by the end of it? Do they even know what’s wrong or are they denying that the problem exists? There must be a deeper psychological wound that they’re covering up with their dodgy behavior…
INFJ: You understand how capitalism works in theory and how we need people to be both at the top and at the bottom in order for society to continue functioning the way it does. You also understand how alternatives to capitalism haven’t worked particularly well in the past. Yet, it seems like there must be a more just system out there that doesn’t necessitate inequality. If only you could learn everything about everything, you would be able to put it all together and formulate that system. How can you sleep at a time like this? You have reading to do…
ISTJ: There must be a better way for delegating the grunt work that always ends up falling in your lap when no one else is willing to do it. But your company just doesn’t function as efficiently as it ought to. Should you say something? Should you write a letter to your boss about it? Or will that make any difference? Perhaps if you proposed a superior organizational system and implemented it yourself, others would follow your lead. Or would they question your authority? It’s probably best to just keep working quietly towards a promotion. Maybe you should get up and outline your next few steps in that direction…
ESTJ: You have four potential career paths lined up for the next four years, and you can’t stop debating what you ought to prioritize: financial security or upward mobility. Option A is likely to yield A, B and C outcomes in the financial department. Whereas Option B is likely to provide you with X, Y and Z opportunities. Which might lead to D, E and F financial rewards. You might need to get up—just for five minutes—and calculate the statistical probability of Option B yielding greater financial rewards in the long run than Option A. You’ll just quickly switch on the light…
ESTP: Maybe you shouldn’t have chugged three Red Bulls at 8pm to gun through the rest of that project that you had due at midnight. Now you’re so restless! Is anyone else up? You should check. If not, you could just start on the next project you have due tomorrow. Should you have asked for more money for that project? You probably could’ve gotten away with it. You’ll test the waters next time. Hike up your regular rate, see what they say. It’s not like they’re going to find someone who gets it done better than you…
ISTP: Essentially the world is wired for destruction, sure, because everyone’s too caught up in their day-to-day concerns to pull their heads out of their asses and do something about the state of things, but oh well. There’s no sense worrying about it, really. Nonexistence might not be so bad. There’s most likely some form of existence after death anyway. No other conclusion really makes sense. Would it be nice if the general human population got their shit together? Probably. Are they going to? Absolutely not…
ESFP: You know someone, and they are not your best friend. Why aren’t they your best friend yet? How can you make them be? What do they like that you don’t like? What don’t they like that you do? How can you acquire mind-control abilities in order to make this person become your best friend against their will? Wait a minute—do you even like this person? Or do you just want their approval? Does it make you shallow if you want them to like you but you don’t actually like them? But you’re sure that you will. You just have to get them to hang out with you, they’ll see…
ISFP: It’s not that you’re unhappy with your latest creative project, it’s just that you have this gnawing feeling of it not being absolutely perfect, and you know it has the potential to be. Maybe if you just adjusted X, Y or Z. Or is the entire project just a bust? Maybe you should scrap it. Maybe you’re embarrassing yourself. Or is your vision actually as genius as you’re imagining it to be? If you could only get that one detail fixed, you’d know for sure….
ESFJ: Okay so you’ve bitten off a little bit more than you can chew. It’s just that you didn’t trust anyone else to chew any of the projects that you volunteered to spearhead properly. Could you outsource someone to Jack? Or Jill? No, no. Jack wouldn’t remember anyone’s dietary restrictions. And Jill is always late. In fact, now that you think of it, you should check in on Jill’s latest project. She probably needs help organizing it. Is Jill up right now? It probably wouldn’t hurt just to pop online and check…
ISFJ: You have a list of 14 things to do tomorrow and only two of them are likely to be crossed off by 9am. Should you wake up an hour earlier? Should you have stayed an hour later at work tonight? Who will be most disappointed in you if you don’t complete the allotted task in the expected time frame? What will they think of you if you don’t follow through on your word? This is horrible. Should you just get up and start working now? It probably wouldn’t hurt to just cross the first one or six items off your to-do list..
INTJ: You sent out an email four hours ago detailing a work procedure that needs to be followed. You can’t stop thinking about whether you ought to have also included a brief explanation of the company’s history, a sales forecast for the next 10 years and a concise summary of life, the universe and everything. It seems ineffective to explain the one procedure out of context like that. Perhaps you should make an employee guidebook in order to explain everything efficiently. You’ll start with Chapter One: The Big Bang…
ENTJ: According to your calculations, the earth has approximately 89 years left before it becomes annihilated by either (A) climate change, (B) a rogue comet, or (C) human error (the most likely option). In that time, if you can harness X amount of energy, the odds of recolonizing on another planet lean towards Y. Alternately, you could convince other humans to get their act together and create better policies surrounding climate change and nuclear weapons. But that would require changing L, M and N policies. And you’d have to establish X position of power in order to do that. You’re going to have to run for office in order to save earth, aren’t you? Sigh. You knew this day would come…
ENTP: Theoretically, it’s possible that you died in the car crash you were in as a child. You never put any serious thought into it until just now, but what if a parallel universe split off at that point and your consciousness continued in this reality but not in another one? Can consciousness be in two places at once? Or does it always get transferred into the universe in which your body remains alive? Weren’t you reading something about this the other day? Was it Lanza? You’re pretty sure it was Lanza. Now you need to find your computer, there might be a Wikipedia page about this that needs updating…
INTP: Someone has to stop letting ENTPs update Wikipedia pages at their will. This information has clearly not been verified scientifically, though it certainly presents interesting perspectives. It’s just that there are so many references missing on this Wiki page about anarcho-primitivism. You’re just going to have to do the research yourself. You’re pretty sure you have a tab open somewhere with a book you’d been meaning to order that will help elucidate the issue. You’ll just root through the 37 tabs you currently have up and find it. And then you’ll go to bed. This will take five minutes, max…
Heidi Priebe is a personality psychology writer who focuses primarily on the Jung-Myers model of psychological type. She is the author of five books, including The Comprehensive ENFP Survival Guide and How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Personality Type. Follow her on Facebook here or argue with her on Twitter here.
