Quizzed on dodgy firework? Access barred! QUENTIN LETTS watches the Prime Minister dodge tricky Trident questions

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Royal Navy chiefs must wish their Trident missiles were as unswervable as Theresa May. 

According to reports yesterday, the admirals recently saw one of their Tridents go wonky during sea trials.

We cannot be sure of the details but it seems the nuclear rocket (blessedly minus its deadly warhead) went phutt like a cheap firework – an askew flight, premature climax and then, mwah-mwah with a honk of trombones, into the drink it plummeted.

Theresa May, pictured on the Andrew Marr Show, refused four times to say if she knew about a major malfunction in the UK's Trident nuclear missile deterrent

Top-of-the-range nuclear deterrent? Pah. It seems to have been as much use as a Reliant Robin with a flat front tyre.

We can but imagine the silence as the naval top brass lowered their binoculars, said ‘Oh’, and went below deck for a consoling noggin. Worse than a Christmas morning toy that refuses to work.

‘Bad luck, Carruthers, I’m sure they’ll give you your money back. Have you still got the receipt?’

When Mrs May, appearing on yesterday morning’s Marr show on BBC1, was asked about this Trident misfire – this multi-spondoolick technology horlicks – she was grimly uncooperative. Dodgy Trident? A test that had gone wrong? Her eyes shuttered. Her voice did its warbly thing. Computer not recognise. Request denied. Access barred. National secret.

Presenter Andrew Marr wondered, first, if the Prime Minister had known about the cock-up when she urged the House of Commons last year to renew Trident. ‘I have absolute faith in our Trident missiles,’ said Mrs May.

Marr: ‘Did you know it had happened?’ Mrs May said that she believed we should defend our country against would-be enemies. ‘Jeremy Corbyn thinks differently,’ she said.

Comrade Marr, who remained admirably polite, stuck to his flight path, which is possibly more than can be said for that Trident missile as it did a loop-the-loop and stood on its tail before going into a death spiral. ‘This is a very serious incident,’ he said. ‘Did you know about it when you were talking in the House of Commons?’

Mrs May could say neither yes nor no. If yes, we might deduce that she had misled the House – and it might break official secrecy about what is no doubt meant to be an ultra-confidential matter. 

If she said no, it might raise the possibility that military personnel were keeping secrets from her. And so she replied: ‘And the issue we were talking about was a very serious issue.’

Mrs May dodged questions on her knowledge of the failed test during the BBC1 interview

Marr dropped his voice and asked, quietly so as to try to shame her into answer: ‘Prime Minister, did you know?’ 

There was a nanosecond’s pause before Mrs May replied: ‘Tests take place all the time for our nuclear deterrents.’ At which point Marr said, ‘I’m not going to get an answer’ and moved on to another matter.

If the Trident misfire story is true, you wonder who will benefit: The Russians? Or the Royal Navy arms procurement team? 

Is it not possible that this disclosure has been timed perfectly to allow Mrs May to look a bit disenchanted when she meets President Trump later this week? We buy Trident from the Americans and it is most unlikely it would not be on the agenda at the first bilateral talks between the new US premier and his British counterpart.

Trump is a deal maker. Will he not see that we need to be given a hefty discount in order to continue with the Trident update programme? 

January sales time, please. We need a big price cut and a decent warranty package on the next model. Any Vauxhall sales agent would understand how the realities of the purchase have just altered.

In the rest of her Marr interview, a sober (ie unexciting) Mrs May was asked again about Mr Trump’s boastful attitude to women. Some two million feminists had gone on marches on Saturday to moan about Trump. Marr went through the motions slightly and Mrs May saw him off with ease on this area. Perhaps the rakish Andrew knows he will never be seen as one of life’s most convincing women’s libbers.