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FBI Asserts Shootings at GOP Baseball Practice "Random Violence" [fake satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens

Posted on 06/24/2017 10:39:45 AM PDT by John Semmens

At a press briefing this week, Tim Slater, who leads the criminal division of the FBI's Washington field office, endeavored mightily to portray last week's assault on dozens of Republicans gathered to practice for a charity baseball game as a "purely spontaneous and random act of violence."

Slater dismissed the testimony of witnesses who identified the shooter as the same man who moments earlier asked them if the men practicing were Republicans or Democrats as "insufficient to determine intent. Granted, he did go on to fire numerous rounds at these men, but we have no way of knowing whether he would've held his fire if he had been told they were Democrats."

The discovery of a "kill list" comprised solely of the names of Republican congressmen in the gunman's possession was deemed "inconclusive," by Slater. "Mr. Hodgkinson could easily have had a similar list of Democrats that we have not yet been able to find. So far as we can tell the list of Republicans we recovered from his weapons locker was just a piece of paper."

Likewise, Slater averred that "Hodgkinson's numerous rants against Republicans in social media posts and letters-to-the-editor weren't seen as especially useful in terms of discerning a motive for his actions. His anger at the way Sen. Bernie Sanders was treated in last year's primaries could just as easily be taken as a motive for striking out at Democrats like Hillary Clinton or Rep. Wasserman-Schultz. Who's to say that if he had not been shot by Capitol Police he wouldn't have gone on to shoot those Democrats?"

Reports that Hodgkinson had previously told family members that he would be heading home later on the same day of the baseball field assault "doesn't prove that he wouldn't first have shot some Democrats," Slater argued. "At the Bureau we require that there be evidence before we leap to any conclusions about the actions and intent of anyone we investigate."

In related news, gunman Rollin Anthony Owens Jr. kidnapped a family in North Carolina and forced them to shop at a local Target store. After his arrest, Owens told Durham police that "my intent was to implement a 'bottom up' stimulation of the economy." He contrasted his approach with "the Republicans' failed 'trickle down' methods" and said he hoped that "my example of direct action will inspire other Democrats to get off their duffs and try to make a difference before Trump wrecks this country."

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=268711.0


TOPICS: Government; Humor; Politics; Sports
KEYWORDS: democrats; fbi; satire; violence

1 posted on 06/24/2017 10:39:46 AM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

There’s too much of that “random violence” directed at Republicans goin’ on out dare!


2 posted on 06/24/2017 10:48:27 AM PDT by FlingWingFlyer (The Swamp Strikes Back!)
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To: FlingWingFlyer

Now that’s interesting! My investigation showed that the perp had a hatred for Republicans and wanted to kill them.


3 posted on 06/24/2017 11:13:39 AM PDT by From The Deer Stand
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To: John Semmens

Yup. Has nothing to do with dementocrat lib/commie/socialist/sjw whack jobs just like isis/isil/is/daesh has nothing to do with moose limbs. DOJ should get it’s own show on comedy central at this rate.


4 posted on 06/24/2017 11:19:37 AM PDT by rktman (Enlisted in the Navy in '67 to protect folks rights to strip my rights. WTH?!)
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To: John Semmens

Horse shit


5 posted on 06/24/2017 11:42:46 AM PDT by okie 54
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To: John Semmens

What’s the difference between satire and reality at the FBI nowadays? It’s just another left-wing political organization that happens to get tax dollars and insults our intelligence with their partisan cover-ups.


6 posted on 06/24/2017 12:22:29 PM PDT by FenwickBabbitt
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To: FenwickBabbitt

I am afraid that the nonsense whirling around the dismissal of Comey and the idiocy of this latest guy is tending to further destroy the great esteem the FBI once held in the eyes of Americans.
The claims that the shootings at and of Republican senators was a RANDOM act of violence is so insulting as to taint any future announcements from the Federal Bureau of Idiocy.
The proud history of the FBI is being turned on its hear before our eyes. So SAD.


7 posted on 06/24/2017 1:42:30 PM PDT by CaptainAmiigaf (New York Times: "We print the news as it fits our views.")
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