How To Stay Politically Sane Online During a Trump Presidency

Here's how to handle four years of Pepe avatars and sanctimonious tweets.
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Let's face it: we're in for a long four years, especially if—like me—you cannot resist the siren call of the Internet and all its lecherous charms. But you're gonna have to be smart about logging on if you want to survive in The Age of Trump. Here is how.

1. Ruthlessly unfollow, mute, and unfriend everyone.
This includes people you like. I know political reporters mean well, but if I have to read one more news item about Betsy Devos recommending bazookas for school nurses, I will not be able to go on. It's nothing except butt shot Twitter accounts and movie news for me.

2. Do not argue with other liberals about why Trump won.
"You see, this election wasn't about [FART NOISE]. It was about [MUCH BIGGER FART NOISE]. Simple as that." He'll win reelection by the time you people can agree on anything, so don't bother.

3. Do not share any Lena Dunham content.
Trump's approval rating goes up 3 points any time this woman is in the news cycle.

4. Do not beef with Nazi frogs online.
They do not seem open to counterarguments, or facts, or that touching Buzzfeed gallery of 50 Muslims That You Could Bring Home To Mom & Dad.

5. Do not be a shithead nihilist.
Were you one of those goth kid liberals who decided to get cute with your ballot because, like, the system is broken, mannnnnnnnnnn? Yeah well, now it's even more broken. On the flipside…

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6. Do not be a shithead optimist.
Donald Trump has control of the nuclear codes. Don't you go trying to restore everyone's faith in humanity with some Hamilton mixtape linkage. Overcoming Trump, if it can be done at all, will be a grim, hard task.

7. Use the Internet to connect with people who can make an actual difference.
I'm talking about protest organizers, ACLU lawyers, your local congressman, and state officials. You know, people who can DO things. Then get off the Internet and help them do it.

8. Share lots and lots of Obama nostalgia porn.
Now I know why Jackie O is on the cover of Vanity Fair every other month. Everyone loves the last President more than the current President, so exploit that. Make the whole world yearn for the days of Obamelot.

9. Do not assume any one article/report/TV sketch will alter the course of history.
I know sending out that one Joss Whedon PSA and telling everyone "SO MUCH THIS" feels good, but now you know the truth, which is that change will never be found in a link.

10. No more Problem Internet.
Have you spent the past four years or so re-watching old episodes of "Friends" scouring for objectionable humor? You have to stop that now. There's no time for the Problem Internet. Trump won't be defeated if you spend all your time writing thinkpieces about why there aren't any female Ninja Turtles.

11. Order lots of Seamless.
Order enough hot chicken and this too shall pass. No, I mean literally. That stuff'll scorch your insides real good.

Drew Magary is a GQ correspondent and author, most recently of "The Hike."


Speaking of Obama, watch Chance the Rapper, Tom Ford, and other famous people thank him, sincerely