“Greetings, Friends!”: The New Yorker’s 2017 Christmas Poem

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Illustration by João Fazenda

Audio: Read by the author.

Another Yuletide at the door:
The wreath left on it since before
The Christmas of two-oh-fifteen—
A goodly while ago, I mean—
Is up to date now once again.
And I can yet remember when
I hung it, in a better time
Well antecedent to this rhyme.
So come on in! The light is lit,
The dark still can’t encompass it;
A vast supply of grateful gladness,
Above the current badness/madness,
Prompts us to spread good will promiscuous
And warmest greetings all Christmas-cuous!
So, dearest critics, wince away
As I shout-out, this holiday,
The Khizr Khans, that Gold Star clan,
And kind Pope Francis, holy man,
And Meryl Streep and S. E. Cupp—
May all find joy that fills them up!
For Mayor Rahm Emanuel
And Judge Gonzalo Curiel,
May this unskillful doggerel
Renew for them the annual
Season’s felicitations!
And to our neighbor nations:
O Canada, I hope you know
The gem you have in your Trudeau;
And Mexico, I promise you
We’re not all crazy, just a few.
While lambent beams celestial gleam
Across the continent in streams,
I raise a toast to both O’Donnells,
(Lawrence, Rosie), Mitch McConnell
(Fooled you! NOT!), Mika Brzezinski,
Whoopi Goldberg, Dan Lipinski,
Myeshia Johnson, Charles Lane,
Linc Chafee, and Meghan McCain.
Now I will do my Santa shtick
For Q.B. Colin Kaepernick,
And belt a coupla carols with
Josh Norman and Za’Darius Smith.
Such strong good wishes do I bear
For Marshawn Lynch and Jylan Ware
And all the other N.F.L.-ers
(Kneeling, sitting, standing fellers)—
May Christmas bless them, every one!
(Each young enough to be my son.)
Look out! Your bard becomes verklempt.
So let me bring some treats to tempt
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Joe McQuaid,
The venders who were never paid,
Lisa Belkin, Nikki Haley,
All those who take Xanax daily,
Serge Kovaleski, Penn Jillette,
Ms. Midler (the resplendent Bette),
Snoop Dogg, Chuck Todd, and Charles Blow,
Ruth Marcus and the Navajo.
I find myself in quite a hurry
To say I’m fond of Stephen Curry,
Jemele Hill, and Molly Sims,
Chuck Schumer, with his crazy whims,
Angela Merkel, truly great,
New Jersey, that outstanding state,
NATO, Nordstrom, NBC,
The E.P.A., and E.S.P.
By now the party’s getting packed
With others who have been attacked
In Twitter blurts and suchlike places.
Here’s Hillary, of course, whose face is
Welcome, as is that of Matt Bai
(Cannot get enough of that guy),
Theresa May, John Oliver,
Adam Schiff, and Katy Tur.
Give further props, while yet we linger,
To Juli Briskman and her finger,
The D.C. Post, the Al Smith dinner,
Alec Baldwin, Emmy winner,
The New Hampshire Union Leader,
Every still remaining reader,
Asylum seekers, Black Lives Matter,
Rep. Frederica Wilson, and her hatter.

Christmas has one thing about it:
Despite the very worst who tout it,
They can’t destroy it. Though they try,
It does outlast them by and by.
Angels flying ever higher,
Singing in the heav’nly choir
“Joy to the World” and “First Noël,”
Can the season’s secrets tell:
Love one another, peace is near;
All people will be welcome here.
Thus, good friends, let hearts be merry!
Two-oh-eighteen might bring us very
Different luck than we’ve had lately—
Fates improving bigly, greatly,
Spirits to protect and guide us,
Inspiration strong inside us,
Clearer vision, wiser choices.
Hear our better angels’ voices.