Donald Trump's New Executive Order Will Put Us All Underwater

In the aftermath of Trumpcare's hilariously embarrassing death last week, the President has evidently decided to exact his revenge on the universe by doing his level best to personally tear it apart. On Tuesday, Trump is expected to sign a sweeping executive order that will gut federal regulations aimed at mitigating the international climate change emergency. The rationale behind taking action that will hasten the development of Waterworld 2: No, Seriously, This Is Real Life? From CNN:

More important than regulating climate change, the official said, is protecting American jobs.

"It is an issue that deserves attention," the official said of climate change. "But I think the President has been very clear that he is not going to pursue climate change policies that put the US economy at risk. It is very simple."

This assertion is so self-evidently dumb that I'm legitimately concerned we're being trolled here. The White House apparently believes that previous administrations were obsessed with climate change regulation for its own sake, and that it's the most novel fucking idea in the world that they're bravely DISRUPTING the status quo and focusing on the economy instead. Hey guys, what if, instead of regulating climate change, we CREATED JOBS? Didn't anyone ever think of that? Another great day of running government like business, folks! Now, let's hit the links.

The White House official went on to argue that the best way to protect the environment is to have a strong economy, noting that countries like India and China do less to protect the environment.

Ah yes, India and China, those shining beacons of progress, where the unrestrained operation of the free market has also resulted in efficient, effective climate change regul—oh, wait, they're on either side of the United States when it comes to greenhouse gas emissions? Cool.

"To the extent that the economy is strong and growing and you have prosperity, that is the best way to protect the environment," the official said.

If you let businesses operate without rules, they'll voluntarily create them, because good corporate citizenship! Good Lord. The Obama administration probably would have preferred to create as few hoops as possible for American companies to jump through as they go about making American widgets, hiring American workers, and lifting all American boats. The reason you have to have regulations anyway, though, is because all the evidence shows that if we were to allow said companies to do whatever the hell they want, they will put their American ingenuity to work by destroying the ozone layer in 20 minutes.

Although details of the order are still sparse, Politico, reports that it will do away with the requirement that the government consider the “social cost of carbon,” a metric that "attempts to quantify the effects of climate change," when considering future regulatory proposals.

To evaluate its climate rules, the Obama administration estimated that each ton of carbon dioxide imposes $36 in costs to society. But Republicans and fossil energy supporters argued it arrived at that figure by counting global benefits while specifying only domestic costs — and they complain the metric was not subjected to a traditional notice-and-comment period before it was employed.

Imagine having a government that comprehends that what happens within the borders of the United States affects the world around it. Instead, this country is stuck with a gaggle of two-bit management consultants who don't understand that job growth will mean precious little when the Rocky Mountains qualify as beachfront property. At the Underwater Constitutional Convention a few decades from now, I hope the framers learn from this and create some kind of failsafe to ensure that a president doesn't enact demonstrably idiotic policies simply because his understanding of basic economics is just as feeble as his comprehension of science.