The Death of a Battery, or Things I Wouldn’t Have Done If I’d Known I Wouldn’t Be Able to Charge My Phone Before Going Out Tonight

PHOTOGRAPH BY MATT STUART  MAGNUM
PHOTOGRAPH BY MATT STUART / MAGNUM

Watched the new Ariana Grande video.

Reshot my Snapchat video of Hannah lip-synching to the aforementioned Ariana Grande video four times—mostly because that depletes the battery so fast, but also because the second vid was the best.

Listened to a podcast about how Donald Trump won because of sexism but also it’s way more complicated than that and anyway Trump didn’t win the popular vote.

Turned on keyboard sounds to play a few impromptu piano pieces for a colleague who was in a bad mood (sounded more like organ, on reflection).

Downloaded the Shazam update.

Called the energy company, and then ignored the offer for a call back because the wait time was “a little longer than usual today.”

Stayed on hold for forty-seven minutes.

Turned on Wi-Fi while walking past the library and forgot to turn it off until way too late.

Voice-recorded the team meeting so that I could refer to it later on, when I was writing up the minutes, except that apparently Katie was on minutes all along.

Loaned Katie my phone so that she could listen to the recording of the meeting to type the minutes.

Played that trivia game that is so easy that it is barely fun but at least is more fun than chatting with colleagues at lunch.

Didn’t properly close trivia app and let it suck me dry.

Spent fourteen minutes scrolling through “buy and sell yay” Facebook page while sitting on the toilet.

Opened Tinder.

Decided to allow myself just a few swipes. (Turns out Tinder has a maximum number of swipes permitted per day.)

Watched an old John Oliver video on the train home.

Became enraged by video and read the Wikipedia page on “Debt Buyers.” (Really only read the introduction and then a bit of the next part, but I’d mostly gotten it by then anyway.)

Turned up screen brightness, the better to sort photos into my Favorites folder.

Tested Siri’s knowledge of Eastern European capitals on the walk home from the station. (Her knowledge is very strong.)

Ignored all the signs that something was wrong (Low Power Mode warning, orange battery bar, one-per-cent battery) until it was too late.