So Blake Farenthold Wants a Duel, Eh? I Will Duel the Shit Out of Blake Farenthold

The Texas congressman expressed a desire to duel "some female senators from the Northeast."
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Of all the people who are frustrated with the Senate's failure to pass a health care bill that would cause tens of millions of Americans to lose their coverage, Blake Farenthold, a Republican congressman who once expressed doubt that Russia had interfered in the 2016 election by very seriously citing to "stuff circulating on the Internet," might be the angriest of them all. During a guest appearance on a talk radio show in his South Texas district, Farenthold articulately distilled his frustrations into a rant that somehow managed to be misogynist, violent, and geographically illiterate all at once:

A Texas Republican congressman says it’s “absolutely repugnant” that the GOP-led Senate hasn’t acted on repealing the health care law and he singled out “some female senators from the Northeast.”

...

Farenthold complained about some female lawmakers and said, “If it was a guy from south Texas, I might ask him to step outside and settle this Aaron Burr-style.”

Maine Sen. Susan Collins has been consistent in opposing the GOP replacement to Obamacare. Other female senators who have expressed reservations are Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska.

This is not the first time Farenthold has taken advantage of free airtime to share something astonishingly gross—last October, he had to apologize for saying that he "would have to consider" withdrawing his support for Donald Trump if Trump had said that he "really liked to rape women." But it should go without saying that alluding to the prospect of shooting a fellow lawmaker with a gun is wildly inappropriate, and that walking back that not-so-subtle threat using an overtly sexist rationale does not make it any better. Blake Farenthold should be ashamed of himself, but judging from his previous line of work acquiring domain names like "www.blow-me.org"—that's not a joke, that's something he actually did—shame is not an emotion with which this congressman is particularly well-acquainted.

Nonetheless, to the extent that Farenthold's wish to duel over the fate of Trumpcare is a serious one, and to the extent that any of the semi-identified legislators whose integrity he called into question will permit, I will happily duel the shit out of Blake Farenthold.

Now, for a number of reasons (this is 2017; dueling "Aaron Burr-style" is almost certainly illegal; the congressman and I are functional adults who resolve our differences by talking instead of via mutual combat), the terms on which I agree to duel Congressman Farenthold differ slightly from those he has proposed. I would like to make very clear to him, to GQ readers, to Sean Hannity's research assistants, and to any law enforcement personnel who may be reading this post that I have no intention of engaging in any sort of violence in connection with this proposal.

Besides, the centuries that have elapsed since the heyday of dueling have yielded so many other methods that one can employ to obtain satisfaction! Below is a representative list of activities in which I will compete Congressman Farenthold, should he be courageous enough to accept my challenge.

  1. Jenga. I always try and take out the two side pieces, leaving my awed opponent dealing with a teetering mass at his trembling fingertips. Removing the middle block is for cowards.
  2. Bench press (one-rep max). Honestly, I'm more of a push-ups guy these days, but I bet I could still put up a couple plates.
  3. H-O-R-S-E. My special power is that I can go off glass from anywhere.
  4. A one-mile run. I'll even do it in Chucks. For fairness.
  5. Settlers of Catan. "Congressman, I've told you eight times now: I'm not trading two wheat for one sheep."
  6. Jeopardy! That old handheld electronic version, unless Alex Trebek would preside over a head-to-head, which I'm down for, too.
  7. Pizza-eating contest, for time. I'll eat three pieces before his napkin is in his lap.
  8. Flip cup. Five cups each, best of three. We'll use the Shiner beer of his choice.
  9. Speed-reading. The congressman reads Dreams of My Father, I read Killing Lincoln, and we see which one of us begs for mercy first.
  10. Iron Chef. Better hope the secret ingredient isn't "a sense of common decency," though, or he's fucked.

If I win, he has to vote no on Trumpcare in the event that some version of this bill ever goes to conference committee. If he wins, I agree to pay the annual registration fees for www.blow-me.org should he ever wish to reacquire the domain name in the future.


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